Sometimes I grieve the life I don’t have, may never have, with a ferocity that surpasses that of the grief I have for things I’ve lost. Maybe that says more about the relative lightness of what I’ve lost than about the scope of my collective yearning. I feel it in my marrow though; the lack, the holes, what’s missing, more than I feel what is actual, empirical And I loathe myself for it, I curse myself for not being more content with what IS. Eckhart Tolle would shake his head in some mixture of compassion and pity. Self-help gurus, psychologists and coaches everywhere could list my cognitive and psychological deficiencies. Treatment plans could be written, my comfort zone stretched, my inner child nurtured. And still, what is absent would somehow be even more profound than what I have. And the life I have is nothing to shake a stick at; I’m relatively healthy, I have more than I need to live, I eat organic food, I can afford vitamins and supplements. I have a horse, I see a doctor whenever I need to, I have a brand-new smart phone. I took a vacation last month. I am educated, well-read, well-fed and well-exercised. I show up for my work on time, I do more than is expected of me. I love people even though I daily bump up against the sometimes sharp edges of their pathology, both overt and covert. I stumble upon new interests and immerse myself in new information beyond the point of saturation. I devour books, magazines, topics, curiosities. I settle in to the wonder of wonder, and I soak it up and I follow threads of topics to new topics, new discoveries and insights and fascinating, juicy tidbits of information. And though I feel so utterly alone so much of the time, I recognize that there are more than a handful of folks in my life that adore me, that see the good in me, the intellect in me, the capacity that I have for love. And I DO love; my brother, my adorable dog, the natural beauty that surrounds me, a good joke. I am beyond fortunate. And yet it seems I can only derive fleeting satisfaction from my many privileges and assets. Maudlin me. I have such a desire these days to break away from the self-pity with which I have become so accustomed, and to free myself from my own expectations. And more than ever I realize that I am solely responsible for my own contentment (happiness is the wrong word, the wrong goal). No drug, no therapist, no achievement will gradually suffuse my life with the purpose and fulfillment I’m sure that I lack. And at the point of this recognition is both opportunity and despair. I may be closer than I thought to more richness, more fulfillment, and the tools I need may be right here, quite literally under my nose, hiding somewhere in this vast and cavernous psyche. And I think this MUST be the work I am supposed to be doing at this point. I’m developing and laboring a new life, my new life. And I can only hope it doesn’t take all of the next twenty years to figure out where I wanted to be now. Hindsight is so cruelly accurate, and nostalgia has a way of dimming angst in retrospect, no matter how vivid and immediate it felt at the time. Or maybe I’m missing the mark altogether, and THIS is what life IS, this potent and impossible interplay between angst and wonder, nostalgia and privilege, grief and regret, yearning and gratitude. The journey, the journey, the journey. Not the destination.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Monday, August 24, 2009
Some Important New Terms: the Awkward Lingerer (AL) and the Self-Aggrandizing Monologue (SAM)
I'm not really a blogger. In fact, I've always thought that blogging lends an artificial air of importance to things that are really mundane and entirely uninteresting to anyone else besides the blogger herself. But I have recently seen some blogs that were actually quite entertaining, and found myself wanting to blog, too. The other day I actually came up with an idea for a blog post and this morning I woke up in an exceptionally expressive and somewhat irritable mood, which seemed like the perfect mood in which to actually compose a blog.
I have coined a couple of terms that I think are worth sharing with you, potential blog reader. They are both officially acronyms, such as NASA or CARS. The first one is: AL, which stands for, 'Awkward Lingerer.' I first coined the term when I was living on a farm in North Carolina that was a residential treatment facility for the mentally ill. I will let you use your imagination to determine the official capacity in which I found myself at this particular farm. The farm was an incredible place, as it offered a safe and welcoming community for those suffering from mental illness, or even just those going through an especially difficult time in their lives. It was a warm, inviting and non-judgmental environment, which is hard to find. I found that there were an inordinate number of young men at the farm who almost entirely lacked social skills. I think there is a good reason for this, as mental illnesses like autism, Asperger's syndrome, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders seem to increasingly effect young men in disproportionate numbers, which in itself is a disturbing realization, but one for the subject of an entirely different blog.
I have since left North Carolina and am now living in Taos, New Mexico, where I have found that the term AL need not only apply to those actually diagnosed with a mental illness, that there are plenty of ALs at large in the world, wandering from conversation to conversation and either saying little but listening at an awkward distance, or dominating the conversation and either way, overstaying their welcome. Awkward Lingerers are the people that you have a difficult time feeling outright animosity towards, as they are not blatantly offensive (though their body odor may be), but you find yourself wishing nonetheless that they would leave. You see them coming and you cringe a little inwardly and start to come up with reasons why you may need to leave right away, but in a way that is kind, and that even the most A of the ALs can understand. Some ALs will not understand no matter how logical your explanation, and may try to rope you into a conversation anyway, at which point you have to do your best to graciously extract yourself, even if it means leaving when the AL is in mid-sentence.
I find myself thinking as I write this that I am being mean and judgmental. True, perhaps, because that certainly is the mood in which I find myself. However, I have noticed that ALs can really and truly be a problem, especially for those of us who are driven for reasons ranging from trying to always be a decent human being to unconsciously seeking everyone's approval, to be always kind and compassionate and go out of our way to never hurt anyone's feelings. For instance, when I am at the outdoor coffee stand where I work on Sundays, and an AL enters the vicinity and engages me, and a group of customers comes up to order a coffee, I really have to exit the conversation, and serve the customer. That may mean getting up and blatantly changing my focus from the conversation at hand to the customer, which may be hurtful to the person, but is nonetheless necessary for me to fulfill my duties of employment. Therefore my concerns about ALs are founded in the realities of the complexities of interpersonal communication and not entirely in judgment.
There seems to be a contingent of people for whom the regular rules of interaction do not apply, and this is true for ALs. It is rarely selfishness or rudeness on their part, but merely a true lack of intuition for interpersonal cues and non-verbal communication, or perhaps a case of narcissism. It is no one's fault. But it is a constant challenge for those of us who resent being bored literally almost to death by an endless and uninteresting conversation, or who do not appreciate the company of the guy who hovers at an awkward distance, keeping him from entering into the social milieu, but never actually leaves the vicinity. The moral of my blog? Beware the AL. Recognize them and develop tactful ways of redirecting them, even if the tact is lost on them. If all tactful means have failed, simply go about your business with little concern for their feelings. If more direct action is necessary, such as asking them to leave, do so. It's probably not the first time it's happened.
The next acronym that I have coined is the SAM, or the Self-Aggrandizing Monologue. While this phenomenon is probably not entirely reserved for men, my experience with it, which has been ample, is that men are the most likely perpetrators. I have found that they are most likely to launch into a SAM when I find myself in any kind of situation that may resemble a date. The SAM has several characteristics that separate it from your typical monologue (thus differentiating the SAM from a monologue being spewed forth by an AL, though there is no reason that a potential date couldn't turn out to be an AL, and no reason that an AL might not also be skilled at the SAM). One of these characteristics, as implied by the name, is that the monologue is meant to portray the deliverer in a particularly positive light, such as brave, selfless, sexy, attractive, intelligent, etc. The monologue is delivered without any concern for the listener's actual level of interest. In fact, the listener may find herself trying to subtly or not-so-subtly indicate to the speaker that she is not interested by engaging in something else altogether, to no avail. The SAM will be told in its entirety given the listener stays within earshot, regardless of her perceived level of interest, simply because the speaker assumes that the subject matte should be interesting to anyone.
Another characteristic of the SAM is that it will contain excruciating details, such as both sides of a conversation. Example, 'I said to him, 'hey, buddy, don't you think you're being a little hard on her?' and he was like, 'no, I don't' and so I go, 'well, I do' and he was all, 'what are you implying' and so I said, 'I'm implying that you are being kind of a jerk to this woman' and he gets all mad and...' and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. The deliverer will feel compelled to deliver both sides of the conversation so that you, the listener will get the full picture, which is mainly what an utter tool the other guy was, and what a chivalrous, selfless hero the deliverer was/is. An additional example of excruciating details may include all the steps required to fix a certain mechanical problem in a car, or unwanted explanations of sports terms, such as 'hat trick' or 'assist'.
An additional characteristic of the SAM is that if this story has already been told, or part of it, anyway, and you mention this fact, it will not matter. If you, the listener, say something like, 'Oh, I remember this story. You picked up the puppy and took it to the vet, and there was nothing they could do but put it down,' the deliverer will simply look lost for a second, and then pick up where the story left off and continue by saying, 'right...so I pick up the puppy and I take it to the vet, and it was so sad, there was nothing they could do so they had to put it down,' all the while expecting the same reaction from you that you might provide had you not actually heard the story before.
I find the SAM to be a huge roadblock to successful dating. First of all, they bore the hell out of me, because they are usually about something that I find mundane and irrelevant to the process of getting to know someone better. They are usually about perceived achievements or accomplishments, which are not unimportant, but which are not the kind if thing I feel increases intimacy. I resent the hell out of the SAM, but I have found that they seem to be a stereotypically male phenomenon, and so I have endured many, hoping for the day that we move beyond the need for them and into the realm of true intimacy. That rarely happens, as I usually find myself so tired of listening all the time that I feel I am alone in the relationship, and need to end it as soon as possible. I have pointed this out to some men, and they have taken it surprisingly well, but have not changed their ways as a result of it. I think it is linked to some really archaic and ridiculous gender norms and dating rituals, both things I try hard to steer clear of in my life. The day I meet the man who does not launch into a SAM at the first opportunity, I will know that there might actually be a chance for a relationship whose duration exceeds a couple of weeks.
I have coined a couple of terms that I think are worth sharing with you, potential blog reader. They are both officially acronyms, such as NASA or CARS. The first one is: AL, which stands for, 'Awkward Lingerer.' I first coined the term when I was living on a farm in North Carolina that was a residential treatment facility for the mentally ill. I will let you use your imagination to determine the official capacity in which I found myself at this particular farm. The farm was an incredible place, as it offered a safe and welcoming community for those suffering from mental illness, or even just those going through an especially difficult time in their lives. It was a warm, inviting and non-judgmental environment, which is hard to find. I found that there were an inordinate number of young men at the farm who almost entirely lacked social skills. I think there is a good reason for this, as mental illnesses like autism, Asperger's syndrome, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders seem to increasingly effect young men in disproportionate numbers, which in itself is a disturbing realization, but one for the subject of an entirely different blog.
I have since left North Carolina and am now living in Taos, New Mexico, where I have found that the term AL need not only apply to those actually diagnosed with a mental illness, that there are plenty of ALs at large in the world, wandering from conversation to conversation and either saying little but listening at an awkward distance, or dominating the conversation and either way, overstaying their welcome. Awkward Lingerers are the people that you have a difficult time feeling outright animosity towards, as they are not blatantly offensive (though their body odor may be), but you find yourself wishing nonetheless that they would leave. You see them coming and you cringe a little inwardly and start to come up with reasons why you may need to leave right away, but in a way that is kind, and that even the most A of the ALs can understand. Some ALs will not understand no matter how logical your explanation, and may try to rope you into a conversation anyway, at which point you have to do your best to graciously extract yourself, even if it means leaving when the AL is in mid-sentence.
I find myself thinking as I write this that I am being mean and judgmental. True, perhaps, because that certainly is the mood in which I find myself. However, I have noticed that ALs can really and truly be a problem, especially for those of us who are driven for reasons ranging from trying to always be a decent human being to unconsciously seeking everyone's approval, to be always kind and compassionate and go out of our way to never hurt anyone's feelings. For instance, when I am at the outdoor coffee stand where I work on Sundays, and an AL enters the vicinity and engages me, and a group of customers comes up to order a coffee, I really have to exit the conversation, and serve the customer. That may mean getting up and blatantly changing my focus from the conversation at hand to the customer, which may be hurtful to the person, but is nonetheless necessary for me to fulfill my duties of employment. Therefore my concerns about ALs are founded in the realities of the complexities of interpersonal communication and not entirely in judgment.
There seems to be a contingent of people for whom the regular rules of interaction do not apply, and this is true for ALs. It is rarely selfishness or rudeness on their part, but merely a true lack of intuition for interpersonal cues and non-verbal communication, or perhaps a case of narcissism. It is no one's fault. But it is a constant challenge for those of us who resent being bored literally almost to death by an endless and uninteresting conversation, or who do not appreciate the company of the guy who hovers at an awkward distance, keeping him from entering into the social milieu, but never actually leaves the vicinity. The moral of my blog? Beware the AL. Recognize them and develop tactful ways of redirecting them, even if the tact is lost on them. If all tactful means have failed, simply go about your business with little concern for their feelings. If more direct action is necessary, such as asking them to leave, do so. It's probably not the first time it's happened.
The next acronym that I have coined is the SAM, or the Self-Aggrandizing Monologue. While this phenomenon is probably not entirely reserved for men, my experience with it, which has been ample, is that men are the most likely perpetrators. I have found that they are most likely to launch into a SAM when I find myself in any kind of situation that may resemble a date. The SAM has several characteristics that separate it from your typical monologue (thus differentiating the SAM from a monologue being spewed forth by an AL, though there is no reason that a potential date couldn't turn out to be an AL, and no reason that an AL might not also be skilled at the SAM). One of these characteristics, as implied by the name, is that the monologue is meant to portray the deliverer in a particularly positive light, such as brave, selfless, sexy, attractive, intelligent, etc. The monologue is delivered without any concern for the listener's actual level of interest. In fact, the listener may find herself trying to subtly or not-so-subtly indicate to the speaker that she is not interested by engaging in something else altogether, to no avail. The SAM will be told in its entirety given the listener stays within earshot, regardless of her perceived level of interest, simply because the speaker assumes that the subject matte should be interesting to anyone.
Another characteristic of the SAM is that it will contain excruciating details, such as both sides of a conversation. Example, 'I said to him, 'hey, buddy, don't you think you're being a little hard on her?' and he was like, 'no, I don't' and so I go, 'well, I do' and he was all, 'what are you implying' and so I said, 'I'm implying that you are being kind of a jerk to this woman' and he gets all mad and...' and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. The deliverer will feel compelled to deliver both sides of the conversation so that you, the listener will get the full picture, which is mainly what an utter tool the other guy was, and what a chivalrous, selfless hero the deliverer was/is. An additional example of excruciating details may include all the steps required to fix a certain mechanical problem in a car, or unwanted explanations of sports terms, such as 'hat trick' or 'assist'.
An additional characteristic of the SAM is that if this story has already been told, or part of it, anyway, and you mention this fact, it will not matter. If you, the listener, say something like, 'Oh, I remember this story. You picked up the puppy and took it to the vet, and there was nothing they could do but put it down,' the deliverer will simply look lost for a second, and then pick up where the story left off and continue by saying, 'right...so I pick up the puppy and I take it to the vet, and it was so sad, there was nothing they could do so they had to put it down,' all the while expecting the same reaction from you that you might provide had you not actually heard the story before.
I find the SAM to be a huge roadblock to successful dating. First of all, they bore the hell out of me, because they are usually about something that I find mundane and irrelevant to the process of getting to know someone better. They are usually about perceived achievements or accomplishments, which are not unimportant, but which are not the kind if thing I feel increases intimacy. I resent the hell out of the SAM, but I have found that they seem to be a stereotypically male phenomenon, and so I have endured many, hoping for the day that we move beyond the need for them and into the realm of true intimacy. That rarely happens, as I usually find myself so tired of listening all the time that I feel I am alone in the relationship, and need to end it as soon as possible. I have pointed this out to some men, and they have taken it surprisingly well, but have not changed their ways as a result of it. I think it is linked to some really archaic and ridiculous gender norms and dating rituals, both things I try hard to steer clear of in my life. The day I meet the man who does not launch into a SAM at the first opportunity, I will know that there might actually be a chance for a relationship whose duration exceeds a couple of weeks.
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